What Should Have Been
by maraudergirl89
Summary: Rory and Logan have been married for about three years. Rory is now eight months pregnant and they couldn't be happier about becoming parents. But their happiness is short lived.
1. What Should Have Been

Rory was nervously tapping her fingers against the side of her bed

Rory was nervously tapping her fingers against the side of her bed. Clad in a white hospital gown, she anxiously awaited Logan's arrival. She only hoped he wasn't too worried, but she knew not to get her hopes up given her current state. Logan had entered full over-protective father mode ever since she entered her eighth month of pregnancy.

She had to admit that she was going crazy inside; she'd been admitted over two hours ago and had had doctors come in and out of her room, performing all kinds of tests on her and her baby but no one said much to her. She couldn't help the uneasy feeling at the pit of her stomach. Her hand rested firmly on her large stomach. _A baby boy. _They had discovered the sex of the baby a little over two months ago. Logan had been ecstatic.

Even though she didn't have a check-up scheduled, she decided to go to the hospital, Saint Francis Hospital, due to the strange movements she had noticed since the night before. _Eli Gilmore Huntzberger._ That was the name they had chosen for their child.

_I'm going crazy here! _Rory silently thought, her eyes darting towards the door every once in a while. So far no one had said much to her. And it was beginning to unsettle her. Suddenly, Logan rushed through the door, a concerned expression on his face.

"Rory!" he exclaimed as soon as he laid eyes on her. He quickly walked over to her bed and placed a sweet kiss on her forehead, caressing her hair all the while. "I got

a call saying you were here but they wouldn't tell me why, what's going on?" he asked in a rush.

"I'm fine. We're fine," she said taking his hand in hers, looking into his eyes, trying to make sure he got what she was saying. "It's just that, Eli was kicking up a storm last night and he hasn't moved at all these last few hours; it just seemed odd to me so I decided to come for a check up"

"So, what'd the doctor say?" he asked, as he occupied the chair by her bed.

"Nothing yet. They performed two ultrasounds and ran a few more tests on me, but no one's said much. All they told me was that they had called you and were waiting for you to get here," she finished.

"I guess we'll find out soon enough, right?" he placed a small kiss on the back of her hand and smiled at her, but Rory could tell he was nervous. And she couldn't blame him. She was a basket case herself, but tried to appear calm for Logan's sake.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Aileen Callahan. You must be Rory," she said after scanning her chart and looking in Rory's direction.

"That's me," she replied somewhat nervously.

"I'm assuming the gentleman over here is the daddy." This time Doctor Callahan directed her voice at Logan and he nodded in response.

"That would be me. Logan Huntzberger," he said, smiling proudly, extending his hand for her to shake. They remained in silence after that, while Doctor Callahan went over Rory's chart.

"Doctor Callahan, I've been here for over three hours and no one's told me anything. Is there something wrong?" Finally all of Rory's fears began to take over her and she could no longer hide the fact that she was terrified.

Doctor Callahan remained silent for another minute. Then she pulled up a chair and sat, facing Logan and Rory.

"I've been overseeing your case, Rory," she said gently. Her tone was doing nothing to ease Rory's, and Logan's, fears. "I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting; we've been extremely busy these last few days, even more so than usual" she stopped for a few seconds and looked at them. Their uneasiness kept growing with every passing second.

"There is a specific reason as to why I, or anyone else for that matter, have not discussed anything with you. You see, when you first described your situation, it didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary. There are many reasons as to why your baby hasn't been moving. He could be just sleeping. However, we decided to perform an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok." She stopped once again and both Rory and Logan felt their hearts pounding furiously against their chests.

"But we were unable to hear your baby's heartbeat. This could have been due to him being in an awkward position, so I asked for a second ultrasound, so as to get a second opinion"

"And?" asked Logan, already fearing the answer. Rory was white as a ghost.

"We were, once again, unable to find a heartbeat" she responded softly. "The medical terms for this are intrauterine death or death in utero. There are many reasons why this could have happened, but we won't be able to determine exactly why until after you deliver your baby" she spoke softly but firmly, looking at them carefully. Rory had remained quiet all the while.

"What are our options? For delivery, I mean" said Rory, speaking up for the first time in over ten minutes.

"It's up to you, really. We can give you drugs, to help speed up the process if you wish to deliver the baby naturally. We can perform a C-section, if that's what you really want, though I don't recommend it. Water birth, home birth, there are many options. You don't need to decide right now, you can take some time to think about this" answered Doctor Callahan.

"How much time do we have?" asked Logan, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I would recommend you make a decision within the next 24-48 hours. Waiting for more than a few days may put your health at a degree of risk. There is a very small risk of developing Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation if the baby is left in the uterus too long. This is a malfunction in the mother's blood clotting mechanism, due to her body reacting to the dying tissue of the baby," Doctor Callahan explained quickly.

"I'm going to give you a few hours so that you can think this through. First thing you need to decide is whether you want to deliver the baby now or wait for a bit. If you've made a decision, push the call button and have a nurse page me, ok?" she asked gently. She left the grieving parents alone.

"I'm sorry," Logan heard Rory's tiny voice whisper, her head downcast and silent tears running down her cheeks.

"For what?" he asked gently, wiping the teas away with his thumbs.

"For letting you down." Logan could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces. He didn't think it'd be possible to feel even more pain after discovering his son had died.

"Oh Rory, don't say that," he said firmly. He stood up and sat back again on her bed, wrapping his arms tightly around her, while placing kisses all over her head and face. "You could never let me down, Ace" at Rory's lack of response he insisted. "Look at me" Rory slowly lifted her head and discovered tears on her husband's eyes and face. "I love you. I love you so much. And I love our son. This is not your fault, do you hear me?" he asked.

"Women all over the world give birth to perfectly healthy children all the time. But not me. I couldn't do the one thing I was born to do. The one thing every woman is able to do. I couldn't even give you a healthy baby." She broke down in sobs, her body shaking.

"Our son wasn't meant to stay with us, honey. He was meant to be angel," he whispered to her, but Rory was sobbing hysterically. It was only after an hour or so had passed that they were both able to calm down.

"We should probably start talking about what to do, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, we should," he softly responded. "Do you want to do it now? I mean, we can go back home for a day or two, if that's what you want. Whatever you want, it's up to you."

"I think…we should do it now," said Rory with some difficulty after a minute of silence. "I don't think I can't take going home right now, seeing the nursery set up, knowing the next time we leave we won't bring a baby back with us." She was struggling to get the words out. It was the first time either of them truly acknowledged the death of their son.

"Would you like me to give Lorelai a call? I'm sure she could be here for you, before we do this," he stroked her hand comfortingly. He too struggled with each sentence.

"No," she said firmly, surprising Logan. He'd been sure she would have said yes. After all, Rory was still very dependent on her mother. "I just want to be with you right now. I love my mom, but she'd never understand."

"Ok, it'll be just the two of us," he whispered.

"I don't want a C-section," Rory said. Logan and she had been discussing their options for birth for a few minutes.

"Ok. I'm going to get a nurse to page Doctor Callahan, alright? Do you need anything? Water, more pillows, anything?" he asked while standing up. She shook her head and Logan left to get a nurse.

He returned a few minutes later, with Doctor Callahan behind him.

"So, Logan tells me you've made a decision" she began.

"Yes, we want to deliver the baby now," Rory said softly, the words catching at her throat.

"Through natural labor, is that right?" the doctor asked them, she was writing some information on Rory's chart.

"Yes." This time it was Logan who responded.

"Ok," she said once she finished writing everything down. She walked over to a cabinet and pulled a pair of latex gloves out. "I'm going to do a quick examination, ok Rory? To see if you've begun labor and have dilated at all."

"Well, you're not dilated yet so we're going to give you an Intravenous oxytocin infusion. It's a drug normally used to help women start labor. A drip line is attached to a cannula in your vein on the back of your hand, or arm. The oxytocin is steadily released into your bloodstream via the drip, which is attached to an infusion pump that controls the rate of flow and the amount of medication given. The rate is gradually increased every 15 to 30 minutes, until contractions are well established. Any questions?" she asked once she finished explaining the procedure. Both Logan and Rory shook their heads.

About two hours later, Rory was being wheeled to a delivery room, as she was fully dilated and contractions were only a minute apart. Logan walked by her side, holding her hand tightly and whispering comforting words to her.

About ten minutes and only three pushes later, Doctor Callahan handed the silent baby boy to Rory. She took him with trembling hands and held him against her chest tightly, as she let out a sob. He had little hair but they could tell it was his father's hair; a very light shade of blonde. His eyes were shut, and he looked peaceful, as if he were just sleeping. Rory's body was shaking from the crying, and after a few minutes she handed the baby, who was wrapped in a light-blue sheet, to Logan. He sat in a chair nearby and stared at his son. He felt as if someone had ripped his heart out. He looked up and noticed the doctor had left them by themselves, and what was supposed to be the happiest moment of his life had turned into the most heart-wrenching experience. All of their hopes, their happiness, their joy, their fears, everything they had felt since they found out they were going to be parents evaporated. And now, there was nothing but pain there; the most excruciating pain Logan had ever known.


	2. The Aftermath

Rory watched silently, as tears continued to pour down her cheeks. She watched as Logan held their baby, staring at him, as if trying to memorize his features. It was understandable. From this moment on, their time with their baby was extremely limited. They'd probably get two or three days at the most. After that, they'd have to lay him down to rest. And she and Logan would have to return to an empty house. An empty nursery that was meant to be used by a baby that would never come. A baby they would never get to take home with them. A baby they'd never get to watch grow up.

Logan lifted his eyes back to Rory, and for the first time she could see the pain in them. She recognized all the emotions she was feeling in his eyes. She wanted to scream. To bury her face in her pillow and scream at the top of her lungs. She couldn't understand why this had happened. What had gone wrong?

Logan moved towards her, with Eli still wrapped in his arms, and leaned over her. He softly placed the baby on the bed, as Rory moved to lie on her side, and both of them spent the next ten minutes or so simply contemplating their child, until Doctor Callahan softly coughed, announcing her presence.

"Mr. and Mrs Huntzberger, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you but we need to begin filling out the birth certificate. A nurse will be here shortly to ask you some questions and to take the baby so that he can be measured and weighed, ok?" Doctor Callahan asked in a soft voice. Both Rory and Logan nodded their heads, as they seemed unable to speak. A few minutes later, a nurse with short brown hair appeared with what seemed to be some sort of form and began asking them some questions. Then she asked to take Eli, and Logan slowly lifted him from the bed and placed him in the nurse's arms.

"Will you bring him back once you're done?" asked Rory in a shaky voice.

"Yes, don't worry. They're just going to take some measurements and clean him up a bit, and then they'll bring him back. In the meantime, we're going to clean you up so that we can wheel you back to your room" replied Doctor Callahan.

"I'm going to make some calls, ok? Your mom, my parents, Honor," asked Logan. Rory nodded her head and he left the room. He spotted a payphone and headed over. He decided to call Lorelai first.

"Dragonfly Inn, this is Lorelai speaking. How may I help you?" he heard Lorelai answer after a few rings.

"Lorelai, it's Logan." She must have sensed something was wrong, judging by his tone of voice.

"Hey kid, everything ok?" she asked, concerned.

"I'm at Saint Francis Hospital, with Rory," he paused, maybe because he was waiting for a reply, maybe because his voice was beginning to break.

"Oh my God! Is it time? Is she in labor?" she asked excitedly. "I can't believe it's time already, I thought she wasn't due for another three weeks-" She was beginning to ramble so Logan cut her off before she could continue.

"Lorelai!" he exclaimed, effectively cutting her off. "Rory was admitted this morning. She noticed Eli hadn't been moving for a while, so she came in for a check up." He stopped again.

"And?" asked Lorelai, already fearing her son in law's answer.

"He died, Lore." He began silently crying, the emotions overwhelming him.

"Oh God, Logan." Lorelai's voice was breaking too. She couldn't believe this had happened. Rory's pregnancy had been going so smoothly. It was unthinkable.

"We decided to have the baby today," he continued a minute later. "They gave Rory some drugs to help speed up the process, and she gave birth about an hour ago"

"How's Rory?" By now, Lorelai was in tears herself.

"She's holding up as best as she can. I'm sure she'd love to have you here. You should see him, he's beautiful."

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Lorelai replied firmly. "And Logan?" she asked just as he was about to hang up.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"I'm so sorry, honey." She sounded as though she was sobbing. He couldn't blame her. He wanted to break down in tears himself.

"I am too," he said before hanging up.

Logan took a deep breath and dialled a new number. "Hello?" He heard a man answer.

"Dad?" Logan choked out.

"Logan?" Mitchum asked, and Logan couldn't help but notice how genuinely concerned he sounded.

"Yeah, it's me," replied Logan. He didn't even know where to begin telling his father what'd happened.

"What is it son?" asked his father.

"I'm at Saint Francis, Dad. With Rory." He was once again unable to continue.

"What's the matter Logan?" By now, Mitchum was 100% sure something was wrong. There had to be something wrong for Logan to call him the way he did.

"My son died. He died, Dad. We have no idea what went wrong, it just….happened," he finished. Mitchum had never heard his son cry the way he was crying right now.

"You're at Saint Francis, right?" Mitchum asked, while getting up and ready to leave the office and head to the hospital.

"You don't have to come, I know how busy you are-" Logan began to say but Mitchum interrupted him.

"Nonsense, Logan. I'll be there in ten minutes," he said before hanging up. Logan contemplated making another call. Perhaps he'd call Honor. Or Colin. After a few minutes he decided not to call anyone else. Calling Lorelai and his father had been hard enough.

About fifteen minutes later, Logan found himself sitting by Rory's bed. After they had finished, they wheeled her back to her room and not too long after that, they brought Eli back and placed him inside a small bassinet beside Rory's bed. Rory had finally fallen asleep not long after they brought her back and so Logan found himself leaning over his son's bassinet, softly stroking his cheek. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice his father had arrived. Mitchum cleared his throat softly, and Logan finally noticed him standing by the door. Neither of them said anything; for a few seconds both men stared at each other silently. Then Mitchum took a few steps forward so as to get a glimpse of his first grandson. Logan leaned back in his chair and allowed his father to look at his son.

"He's beautiful, Logan," Mitchum said. He sounded sincere, troubled, sad even. It was strange, but somehow Logan felt a tiny bit better at his father's display of emotion. Not that he truly wanted his father to feel bad, but the fact that he cared made Logan feel better.

"He looks like you when you were born," Mitchum continued softly. "He has your nose, your hair, your lips."

"He has Rory's eyes, though," was the first thing Logan said to his father since his arrival. "Exactly like Rory's."

"I don't know what to say." Mitchum looked down, almost ashamed at the fact that he didn't know what to say to his own son.

"You don't have to say anything," said Logan and they fell back into a somewhat comfortable silence for the first time ever; both of them staring at Eli as though he were sleeping. "I appreciate this. You being here," Logan continued, not meeting his father's eyes.

"I wanted to see him. And you- both of you. " Mitchum's eyes drifted to Rory's sleeping figure. "Take as much time as you need, before going back to work. Just let me know when you're ready," he said. Logan silently nodded his head. "I should go now." He made a move towards the door. He was just about to leave, when he said, "I'm sorry, Logan," and with that he exited the room.

Logan remained in his position for about another 45 minutes, before he noticed Rory moving. At first he thought she was stirring, but he faintly heard her muttering things he couldn't comprehend. Once he took a closer look at his wife, he realized she was sweating. He pressed a hand against one of her cheeks and noticed her body was very cold. Her movements had increased, and she was now tossing and turning, a look of pure angst on her face. She was having a nightmare. Logan stood up and gently grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, so as to wake her up.

"Rory," he called firmly a few times before finally succeeding. She opened her eyes and stared at him, clearly confused. It took her a few seconds before comprehension dawned on her. She sat up, breathing heavily while Logan watched her with a worried expression on his face. She noticed the bassinet at her side and made a move to lift Eli, but clearly her body was still sore from the birth and she grimaced. Logan took in her painful expression and lifted Eli from the bassinet and placed him in Rory's arms. He sat on her bed and they remained quietly staring at their son.

"We should probably start talking, about…arrangements and stuff," Rory stumbled, not taking her eyes off of Eli.

"Like what?" he asked, running a hand softly down her cheeks. She looked up to see him staring lovingly at her.

"I've been thinking…" she trailed off.

"About what?" he asked. He didn't know what came over him, but after the last few hours they had gone through, seeing Rory with his son in her arms, their son, he felt a whole new level of love and respect for his wife. This whole ordeal had been torture for him; he could only imagine what it was like for Rory. She was the one who had carried their son, had to give birth to him even after knowing his little heart was no longer beating. He leaned over and placed a firm kiss on her lips; one that conveyed all his love for her. He pulled away and smiled softly at her.

"About christening him," she continued. "I know we're not exactly religious, and your family is Episcopalian but I thought it'd be nice-" Logan cut her off with another soft kiss.

"I think it's a good idea," he said. "We can have a small ceremony; just us, your mom, my parents, your grandparents, if you'd like," he added. He wasn't sure how big or small of a ceremony she had in mind.

"That'd be nice," she concluded.

They quickly began making arrangements and within the hour they had settled everything. They had decided to do it as soon as possible; they had arranged for a priest to perform the ceremony the following day at the hospital's chapel. Logan had called the elder Gilmores and informed them of what had happened and asked them to attend the christening. Then he placed a call to his father and informed him of the ceremony. After that he called Colin and told him everything. To say his friend had been in shock over the news was an understatement. Colin offered Logan his most sincere condolences and told him he would fill Finn in. Once Lorelai arrived, and after she had seen and held Eli, and cried too, she went back to Logan and Rory's place to get them both a few changes of clothes and some clothes for Eli as well.

The following day, Rory found herself sitting sideways on the bed, already changed into a proper outfit for the ceremony. It was a black, strapless, knee length dress, with a belted waist. Logan was wearing a dark, three button suit with a white shirt underneath and a black tie. They had just finished bathing Eli for the first time and had dressed him in a three piece, white, cotton knit set which consisted of a pant, top and vest.

Once they were ready to go, Logan and Rory, who was holding Eli, headed to the chapel where the rest of the family and friends awaited along with the priest. The chapel had been adorned with some flowers, courtesy of Emily Gilmore, no doubt.

The priest had them all gather around a small stone basin, and began by saying a few words about the meaning of christening. He then went on to rub a bit of scented oil on Eli's forehead as part of the ritual. After that, he asked Logan and Rory to both hold Eli over the basin as he applied water to Eli's head and said, "I baptize you in the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit." After this, Rory used a small white cloth to dry Eli's forehead. As Logan held Eli, the priest invited them to say a prayer in Eli's behalf.

About an hour later, Rory had settled in her room once again. Even though Doctor Callahan had given her clearance to go home, Rory and Logan decided to stay a few more days. They had to decide whether they wanted an autopsy to be performed so as to determine the cause of death. Even though they undoubtedly wanted some answers as to why this had happened, to be able to move on and also to try and prevent something like this should they decide to have another child later on, they felt very reluctant to put Eli through it. In the end, after much discussion, they agreed to allow an autopsy. And so they would stay in the hospital until it was completed. A small funeral service would take place after that and then it would be time for them to say goodbye to their child.


	3. Unexpected

Rory entered her and Logan's house in a hurry, the mail in one of her hands, a groceries bag in the other. She quickly headed towards the kitchen, where she deposited the bag and began sorting through the mail. A little over a month had passed since they had buried Eli. Rory and Logan were still waiting for the hospital to call about the results from the autopsy.

Going home and readjusting to a routine had been extremely hard for both of them. Logan had taken two weeks off after the burial; Rory almost three, mostly due to Logan's insistence that she stay home and rest. Getting things back to normal had been a particularly hard task to achieve for both of them. Neither could manage to get more than four hours of sleep every night. Finally, after Rory had had several arguments with Logan, she convinced him that she was ready to go back to work, arguing that staying at home was pointless since she wasn't getting any rest.

Once she finished with the mail and put the groceries away, Rory headed towards her and Logan's bedroom to change into something more comfortable. As she was walking, something caught her eye, a small, brown package that was lying on the dining room table, unopened. She took it and examined it for a few minutes. She tore open the brown paper that was covering it to reveal a white rectangular box. She lifted the lid and her eyes filled with tears at the sight. With trembling hands, she lifted the tiny blue onesie that had a bear's head embroidered in the front. She saw a note inside the box and read it. The onesie was a gift from Finn; apparently he had mailed it months ago, when he was in Australia visiting his family. It seemed the package had only just arrived.

Rory took the onesie and headed towards the room that had been closed for the last four weeks or so- Eli's room. She twisted the doorknob and opened the door to discover the nursery she and Logan had put together for their son, exactly as it had been the last time she had seen it. Everything was untouched; clothes unused, toys neatly piled on shelves, the crib's sheets perfectly made. Rory took a deep breath and walked over to a set of drawers and opened one, laying the onesie on top of the pile and then closing it. She knew she should leave the room; nothing good would come out of her staying longer than she had to, but something prevented her from doing that.

She walked over the crib; a few stuffed toys were inside. She picked one up and ran her fingers over the fabric; it was a big brown bear that had a pair of striped pajamas on. She placed it back in the crib and headed towards one of the closets. She opened it and started rummaging through the clothes. Onesies, bibs, hoodies, pants, even a pair of tiny converse sneakers were in there. She felt her chest tightening with every item she came across.

She realized that ever since she had gotten home from the hospital, she hadn't set foot in this place at all. In fact, all that she had done was place the diaper bag Lorelai had fetched for them inside one of the closets, closed the door and never even so much as glanced at the room again.

She noticed the rocking chair beside the window. She left all the scattered clothes behind in a messy pile on the floor and headed towards the chair. She noticed the blue cashmere blanket draped over the back of the chair. She picked it up and rubbed it against her cheek, her tears finally spilling down her face. She couldn't understand what was going on with her, but she felt the need to see, touch, examine every last thing in the room. She took the diaper bag and opened it, inside there where more clothes, a few diapers, a baby comb, a bottle containing baby cologne and another with shampoo and body wash. And then she saw it; a plain white folder, with the words "Eli Gilmore Huntzberger," written on the front.

She opened the folder and couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped from her lips. Inside the folder were pictures of Eli, a birth and death certificate, foot and hand prints, and even a small lock of golden hair. Rory began shaking uncontrollably, sobbing desperately. She fell to the floor, clutching the folder tightly to her chest.

About twenty minutes later, Logan walked into his house. He usually didn't arrive early from work, but due to the fact that he had been unable to concentrate all day long, he figured he might as well go home. Once he was inside, he realized something was wrong. At first, nothing but silence had greeted him, but, after a minute or so, he heard crying from the hallway.

He quickly headed in that direction, growing more concerned as he approached. There was only one person who could be in the house at this time of day: his wife. He realized the door to Eli's room was opened and the crying became louder and louder as he neared the nursery. As he entered the room, he felt his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces once again.

He softly approached Rory, who was laying on the ground, on her side. She had her back to him and Logan noticed the messy state of the room. He sat on the floor next to her and called her name softly, so as not to startle her.

"Rory?" he asked, placing a hand on her back. He tried to make her turn so that she was facing him, but she resisted.

"Rory, sweetheart you need to get off the floor. It's cold and dirty, come on," he said in a gentle tone, as if he were talking to a small child.

He realized this approach wasn't working and decided to be a bit more practical. He walked to the other side and sat facing her. He stared at her for a few seconds, then he grabbed her by the arm and forced her to a sitting position. Since her crying hadn't, and apparently wouldn't subside, he pulled her to him and sat her on his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around her, rubbing circles on her back.

It wasn't until an hour had passed that the crying stopped. Logan pulled Rory's hair back so that he could see her face; her eyes were red and swollen, her lips still trembled.

"You want to tell me what brought this on?" he asked gently, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. The truth was, he was more concerned than he was letting on. The first few days after they had arrived from the hospital, all they had done was cry. But after a few days, it got easier; adjusting to a routine, going to work, finding things to keep their minds from thinking too much about what had happened. Every once in a while, Logan would come home to find Rory in tears; usually after she had encountered something that reminded her of Eli.

For instance, last week one of Rory's co-workers, Melinda had stopped by the office to introduce her new baby to her friends. Melinda had been pregnant at the same time as Rory, and was now on maternity leave since she had had her baby about a week earlier. Rory had remained calm and collected while Melinda was at the office; in fact she had seen and even held the baby in her arms. But as soon as Melinda left, Rory gathered her things and headed straight to home. That's why Logan had discovered her crying on their bed that day.

And even though this had happened several times, it had never been as bad as this time. He'd never seen Rory cry like she had today, and it worried him a great deal.

Once he was sure she'd calmed down, he pulled her to her feet and guided her towards their room. She laid down on the bed, while he sat by her side, silently studying her.

"I found a folder, in the diaper bag," she began explaining, her voice hoarse from all the crying. "Where did that come from? Did you see it?" she asked, somewhat desperately.

Logan took a deep breath and began. "After we bathed Eli, before the baptism, I was talking to one of the nurses; she mentioned that most parents in our situation ask the staff for certain things, as keepsakes, like pictures, certificates, a bit of hair. She asked if we'd like to have any of these things and I said yes. I just thought one day, we might regret not having anything to remind us of our son." Logan's tone was somewhat apologetic. He knew this might upset Rory, which is why he hadn't mentioned it in the first place.

"I didn't mean for you to discover it like that; I was waiting for the right time. I knew this would upset you." He caressed her cheeks and hair, while Rory silently stared at him.

"It's ok; you were right," she said. "We would have regretted not having anything to remind us of him." She remained silent for a few minutes. "I don't want to forget him." Her eyes welled up with tears again

"We are not going to forget him; he's our son. We'll always remember him in our hearts. Even when we have more kids, we'll never forget him," Logan tried to reassure her, but it seemed that his words weren't working.

"More kids?" Rory asked suddenly, quickly sitting up.

"I don't mean like right now. Maybe in a year or so, I'd like to have more kids. Wouldn't you?" he asked, a small frown appearing on his forehead.

"I don't know. I hadn't thought about it," Rory stuttered. "It's too soon. What if what happened with Eli happens with a new baby? Maybe we're not meant to have any kids, ever thought about that?" She was getting angrier with every word. Logan wasn't exactly happy with what she was saying either.

"So what are you saying? That you don't want any more kids? Is that it?" he tried to remain calm, but it wasn't really working.

"Maybe I am," she responded. "Logan…" Rory began, but her husband was already on his feet and almost to the door.

"It's fine, Rory," he said stiffly, giving the impression that everything was far from fine. "I'll be back later," he said, not even turning to look at her or saying goodbye. A minute later, she heard the front door slam, and with that, she felt new tears sliding down her face.


	4. Another day, Another fight

About ten minutes had passed since his confrontation with Rory, and Logan now found himself in a crowded bar, sitting by himself at a table, nursing a scotch; a million different thoughts were running through his head at the moment. Part of him knew that he had overreacted; after all, Rory wasn't the only one who was still grieving and he was nowhere near ready to seriously consider the thought of another child. But another part of him couldn't help but feel a mixture of hurt, disappointment, anger. He knew having another baby would never fill the void Eli had left, and he would never bring another child into the world to replace the one he had lost, but he didn't want to hang onto the past. He didn't want what happened with Eli to refrain him and Rory from experiencing all of the wonderful emotions he had felt since the moment Rory had told him she was pregnant until the fateful day they discovered he had died.

He shouldn't have left. Rory was already upset when he had arrived and he had made things worse for her. He knew the right thing would be to pay for his drink, head home and have a talk with his wife to settle everything; but he couldn't bring himself to leave the room. He didn't feel ready to go home and talk with Rory yet.

About two hours later, Logan entered his home. Everything was dark except for a small lamp in the sitting area; he walked over there with the intention of turning the lamp off and heading towards his bedroom when he noticed Rory sleeping on the couch. Sighing, Logan took a seat next to her and softly ran his fingers through her hair. She stirred and a few seconds later, her eyes opened. They stared at each other for a while, neither of them saying anything. Then, Logan took one of Rory's hands and pulled her up. Silently, they walked into their bedroom and after shedding their clothes, got into bed.

"I'm sorry" Logan said once they had both settled in bed. He turned to lay on his side so that he could see her face. "Now is not the time to be having these conversations. I'm not ready to have another baby; I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you"

"It's ok, I know you're not trying to pressure me; but right now, I can't even entertain the thought of another child; how could I when all I can think about is Eli?" Rory asked, her voice trembling.

"I just don't want us to miss out on anything because we were scared" Logan said, looking into Rory's eyes, wiping her tears with his thumbs. "The worst thing that could happen to us already happened to us. But I don't want to be scared, Rory. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and realize all the things we missed because we were too afraid. I don't want to forget Eli, but I don't want us to hold back from experiencing all the things we would have if he were here"

Rory simply stared at Logan. She didn't really know what to say. Part of her agreed with him; she didn't want to be afraid for the rest of her life. But another part of her felt like she'd never be able to entertain the possibility of a new baby. She couldn't imagine herself pregnant again, giving birth and raising another child. Even though she'd said it mostly out of anger and annoyance before, she truly wondered if she was meant to have children. Maybe there was something wrong with her; if that was the case then she absolutely refused to put another child through what Eli had gone through. Rory kept these thoughts to herself, as she feared Logan wouldn't agree with her right now. She didn't want to start a new fight, and it wasn't the time to be discussing the subject anyway. She closed her eyes and willed herself to fall asleep.

Rory woke up the following morning to find a note on the bedside table. It was from Logan informing her that he was at the office and that he had called in sick for her at work. Sighing, Rory got out of bed and went inside the bathroom to take a shower. She immediately frowned at her reflection in the mirror; her eyes were red and puffy, her hair sticking out in a million different directions, tear marks on her cheeks. She quickly stripped and got into the shower.

* * *

About two hours later, Rory found herself sitting in a nearby café with Stephanie, whom she'd called after getting out of the shower. She was beginning to regret that decision since her friend seemed completely incapable of taking her eyes off of her.

"Stop staring at me, Steph!" Rory exclaimed impatiently for the umpteenth time in the last ten minutes.

"I'm sorry! Why won't you just tell me what's wrong? You can't deny there's a problem, just look at you!" Steph was becoming impatient as well. They had been sitting in the café for the last forty five minutes, and Rory still refused to talk about whatever had happened. And Stephanie had the sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with Logan. "Sweetie, what is it?" Steph asked in a much more gentle tone, reaching out to cover her hand with her own.

"Logan wants to have more kids" Rory said softly, avoiding Steph's eyes.

"Right now?" Steph couldn't keep the scepticism out of her voice. She didn't think neither of them was ready to have another child.

"No, not right now. In a year or so" Rory replied in a small voice. Steph examined her friend closely.

"You don't think it's a good idea" It was more of a statement rather than a question.

"I don't know, it's too soon to be thinking about it. I can't imagine myself with another baby; right now all I can think about is Eli" Rory met Stephanie's eyes for the first time since the beginning of the conversation.

"So, you got into a fight with Logan because of this?" Steph asked gently.

"Sort of; he got upset when I said I didn't think I wanted more kids and he left. He came back like two hours later and he apologized. He said he didn't want to pressure me" again, Rory's eyes drifted across the room, avoiding her friend.

"It seems to me it might be a bit soon to even be having this conversation" Steph said as gently and tactfully as she could. "How about we go do a little shopping, just us girls? Might take your mind off of things for a while" she suggested. Rory looked at her while she contemplated her friend's proposal. It would definitely feel nice to think about other things and spend some time with Steph.

"Sure" Rory answered, before signalling the waiter for the check. After paying, they stood up, collected their things and headed towards the nearest clothing store.

* * *

Later that day, Logan found himself standing inside his childhood home. He needed to have a word with his father about one of their recently acquired newspapers, so he was now waiting for the maid to announce his presence to his father. A few minutes later, he was sitting in front of his father's desk.

"What can I do for you, son?" asked Mitchum as he poured scotch in two glasses and handed one to Logan. Mitchum took a seat behind his desk and waited for Logan to begin talking.

They spent the following half hour speaking business, among other things. As Logan spoke, Mitchum couldn't help but notice his son's appearance. Though he never voiced his thoughts, Mitchum had been very concerned for Logan the past month. He looked exhausted, he was easily irritated and more often than not, he found Logan silently staring off in space, as if he was in deep thought. Mitchum knew things had been extremely difficult for Logan and Rory individually. Each of them dealing with their grief in their own way; but lately he had noticed the obvious strain between the couple. He had witnessed a few quarrels here and there between them; it seemed as if the air was different now, it lacked its usual warmth. All in all, Mitchum was concerned for his son's marriage. Logan had lost enough, and Mitchum couldn't help but wonder if his son could get over losing Rory as well.

"So, how are you Logan?" Mitchum attempted to sound nonchalant.

"I'm fine, dad" Logan replied, not taking his eyes off of the paper he was holding.

"How's Rory?" Mitchum tried again to get a conversation going.

"She's fine too" It seemed talking with Logan would be a bit more difficult than Mitchum had anticipated.

"I heard she called in sick this morning. Is everything alright?" Mitchum asked cautiously. At this, Logan looked up with a look of surprise in his face.

"She wasn't feeling all that well, so I called in sick for her. I didn't think it'd be a problem" A frown appeared in Logan's features.

"It's no problem. No problem at all; I was just wondering if she's alright" Mitchum said looking carefully at his son. It seemed Logan was doing his best to conceal his emotions.

"She's just a bit tired" Logan replied with a tone that made it clear the conversation was over. "I've got to head back to the office" He said, standing up.

"Alright, I'll see you and Rory next week then" Mitchum said while shaking Logan's hand.

"Next week?" Logan asked puzzled.

"For that benefit your mother's been organizing with the DAR ladies for the American Heart Association" Mitchum reminded his son.

"Right, the benefit. We'll see you then" And with that Logan left the room.

* * *

The following days passed uneventfully for Rory and Logan. Both of them were immersed in their respective works and refused to talk about the incident or anything related to it. They were now getting ready to attend the American Heart Association benefit. After they were both dressed and ready to go, they headed out to Logan's car and after getting in, they drove in complete silence.

They arrived and after leaving their coats, they headed inside the ballroom where the benefit was taking place to begin making the rounds. Logan softly placed his hand on Rory's back and guided her towards his parents. They made polite small talk for a few minutes and then headed in a different direction to talk to some of Logan and Rory's co-workers.

They spent the next few hours talking to people they barely knew and had to endure the old gossiping ladies from the DAR telling them how sorry they were for Eli's death; but Logan and Rory both knew all they were trying to do was find out more information about what had happened. All in all, they were exhausted after only three hours of being there. In fact, Rory was looking paler and paler by the minute and so Logan decided it was best to leave early. He decided to find his parents and inform them that he was leaving.

"Logan, darling there you are!" Shira exclaimed in a delighted tone. "I've been meaning to have a word with you. I've just bumped into the Fallons, and guess who's with them tonight" Logan could tell from his mother's expression whatever she was about to say he wouldn't like.

"I don't know mom, who?" He responded tiredly.

"Their daughter, Olivia. You remember Olivia, right Logan?" Shira asked and before Logan could reply he found himself face to face with the infamous Olivia Fallon, the girl his mother had been trying to set him up with for years. He could feel his blood boiling.

"Nice to see you again, Olivia" He quickly said before any of them could say anything else. He turned to his mother and told her he was leaving and quickly left before she had a chance to react. He found his father and mentioned the 'incident' with the Fallon girl and told him they were leaving as well. He could tell his father was not happy with Shira's action and couldn't help but feel a wave of gratitude and appreciation towards his father. Without another word, Logan guided Rory towards their car and drove home in silence again.

Once they got out of the car and into the house, they headed towards their bedroom to change for bed. Rory was currently in the bathroom wiping off her make-up while Logan remained in the bedroom, taking off his suit. He had already slid out of his jacket and shirt, when Rory came back into the room and asked him to unzip her dress for her. Logan carefully pulled down the zipper and helped her out of the gown, leaving her clad in her underwear; a black, silk thong and a matching bra.

He made her sit on the bed with her back towards him and began rubbing her shoulders, noticing how tense she was. She immediately began moaning in appreciation at the attention she was receiving from her husband. This was the most intimate they'd been since before Eli's death.

After a few minutes, Logan took a careful seat behind Rory and began tenderly kissing and nibbling her neck and shoulders. He was trying to gauge her reaction, and continued further once he noticed she seemed to like what he was doing. He was being as slow and gentle as possible, since they hadn't been intimate in over two months. After a few minutes of trailing kisses on her back, he turned her around to face him and kissed her lips passionately. Her hands went to his hair while he wrapped his arms tightly around her. He slowly lowered her onto the mattress as his hands found the clasps of her bra. He lifted her a little so that he could unhook it and pulled the straps down her shoulders, planting kisses on her shoulders as he did this. Then he proceeded to kiss her chest and between her breasts, his hands playing with them, caressing them, eliciting moans of pleasure from Rory.

Feeling more than a bit constricted in his pants, Logan stood up and began taking off his pants and boxers, along with his shoes and socks. Rory took this opportunity to sit up and begin kissing his stomach and chest, as her hands found him and softly stroked him up and down. Logan was groaning with pleasure and after a minute or so decided it was enough attention from her. He kissed her lips and lowered her back on the bed, lying on top of her. His hands immediately went to her hips, grabbing hold of her panties and lowering them down her legs until he pulled them off completely. They kissed passionately, their hands caressing each other. Logan slipped a finger inside her to discover she was soaking wet.

Normally, Logan would spend a healthy amount of time pleasuring her with his hands and mouth, but they hadn't made love in over two months and the stress and tension of everything that had happened had built up in them. He needed a release soon and he was sure Rory did too. He positioned himself at her entrance and just as he was about to enter her he felt her freeze. He pulled back to look at her face and noticed she was tense. Before he could do or say anything, Rory softly pushed him off of her. To say Logan was puzzled and more than a bit frustrated was an understatement.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this; I, uh, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just-" Rory began stuttering.

"It's ok" Logan said somewhat unconvincingly. He was taking deep breaths so as to try and calm himself down. He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. "I'm going to take a shower" He said and left the room. A minute later, Rory could hear the water running in the bathroom and slowly, she slid inside the covers after putting on a shirt. About ten minutes later, Logan emerged from the bathroom wearing a pair of dark blue boxers, his hair obviously damp from the shower. Without uttering a word, he got inside the bed and turned off the lights.

"Logan…" Rory said hesitatingly.

"Hmm…" Was all she got in response. He didn't sound mad, but there was definitely coolness to his tone.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me" she said. His back was towards her so she couldn't see his face.

"It's ok; you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to" he said. For a minute, nothing but silence could be heard and Rory was on the verge of tears. He'd never been this cold to her, even if his tone said otherwise; she knew he was deeply hurt by what had happened. She snuggled into the covers, hugging her pillow when she felt one of Logan's hands pull her towards him. She positioned herself right behind him, slinging one of her arms around him. She couldn't help but think, even lying right next to him, that she had never felt such distance between them. Silence was all that could be heard in the room.

* * *

Rory and Logan were having breakfast in silence the following morning. Since the 'incident' last night, things had been a bit awkward and tense between them. Once she had finished, Rory stood up and put her used glass and plate inside the dishwasher and got ready to leave for work. Rory was editor of The Hartford Courant, a very prominent newspaper in Connecticut. She gathered her briefcase and all the papers she needed, and shyly bid Logan goodbye from the doorstep. Once she had left, Logan sighed loudly and mimicked her actions, getting ready to leave for work as well. Though he was usually very busy, Logan's schedule was a bit more flexible than Rory's. As he was in charge of overseeing the latest acquisitions of Huntzberger publishing, he could work from home from time to time and didn't have to spend entire days in just one paper. He sincerely hoped his day would improve, for God knew he could do with a more cheerful mood. Sighing once again, Logan gathered his things and left for work.

* * *

Rory sighed as she sat on the chair behind her desk at her office. She could feel the headache that was sure to come and glanced at the clock, it was barely eleven and she was already exhausted. Of course, she had gotten a grand total of two hour's sleep at most the night before. The fight with Logan had been draining, and the following morning had been extremely awkward as neither had said much but the silence itself seemed to speak volumes. A knock on the door pulled Rory from her thoughts.

"Hey, I brought you something" said the man entering the room. His name was Mark Ackerman and he was the Head of the Sports Department at the Hartford Courant. One might assumed that, due to the department he was heading, and her lack of knowledge or interest in the topics developed by said department, that they wouldn't have much in common, but as it turned out, they hit it off quite well and had grown to develop and nice friendship since Rory had become the Editor.

"Is that coffee I smell?" Rory asked hopefully, without opening her eyes.

"Maybe" was Mark's playful reply. "Why don't you open your eyes and see for yourself?" he approached her desk and sat opposite her.

"Smells heavenly, so it _must_ be coffee" Rory said, opening her eyes and pulling her chair closer to the desk. "Would I be correct in assuming that that cup you're currently holding in your hand is actually a large, black…"

"Coffee with two sugars" he finished for her. "Naturally" Mark said with a smug grin, handing her the cup. "Looked like you could use it."

"This _is_ heavenly" Rory exhaled after her first sip. "So, what brings you here to my humble abode?"

"Please, there's nothing _humble_ about your abode. It's twice as big as my office and you've even got a bed in here" Mark said eyeing her office for the umpteenth time.

"This office jealousy thing is getting old. You're not getting a bigger office" she said firmly. "Is that what _this_ is about?" Rory asked, motioning the now empty cup of coffee. Mark laughed.

"Please, if this was about a new office I'd have to do a lot better that this, like bring you some prime Colombian beans for you to grind and snort"

"So, to what do I owe this visit?" Rory asked while grabbing some of the articles that her secretary had placed on her desk for her to proof.

"Can't just a friend bring a friend a cup of coffee without there being an ulterior motive?" Mark asked in what he hoped was his most offended-sounding voice. "I'm hurt"

"What do you want?" Rory asked in a bored voice.

"Is this how you treat all of your friends? Because I'm starting to understand why they never come to visit" at Rory's sharp look he quickly changed his tune. "Fine, I wanted to see if you could set me up with your secretary" Mark said, waiting for her reaction.

"You want me to set you up with my secretary?" Rory asked incredulously. She began to laugh after a few seconds.

"What's so funny?" Mark asked in a truly offended voice now.

"You're a grown man Mark, get your own dates" Rory said, while still laughing.

"Fine, but I would just like to tell you that you suck" he said heading towards the door.

"I'm still your boss" she reminded him happily.

"You still suck" Mark said teasingly, leaving her office.

* * *

Despite being able to manage his working hours, Logan had spent much of his time going from newspaper to newspaper, finding things to do. The situation with Rory was getting more and more difficult by the day and, more often than not, he chose to keep himself occupied in order to avoid fighting with his wife.

A few hours later, Logan found himself in his office at The Hartford Advocate, the paper he had been overseeing lately. There wasn't much to do, except for proofing a few articles and taking a look at the serial to make sure it was acceptable. In other words, Logan was bored and decided to place a call to a friend.

"Colin McRae" Logan heard his friend answer after a few rings.

"Hey man" he said.

"Logan?" asked Colin surprised.

"You don't have to sound so surprised Colin" Logan said dryly.

"Well, you never call me" his friend replied. Logan chuckled.

"Feeling abandoned, huh?" he teased.

"Is there a point to this call, Huntzberger? Because some of us have to earn a living, in case you didn't know" Colin remarked.

"Yes, I'm well aware of your monetary issues" Logan said ironically. "I was just calling to see if you're available for tonight. I was thinking we could organize a little get together with the boys"

"Sure, I could use a break" Colin said after a moment.

"Hear, hear" Logan replied somewhat bitterly. Colin frowned at this.

"Everything okay back at home?" he asked concernedly.

"We've been better" Logan admitted in a somewhat sad voice. Colin hesitated, a bit thrown off by his friend's words and tone of voice.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Colin prodded gently. Logan wasn't one to openly discuss his love life, especially when having problems.

"I don't want to keep you. I'll see tonight then, say around eight at my place?" Logan asked.

"Sure, sounds great" Colin replied.

"Great, call Finn and inform him, will you?" Logan asked.

"Will do, man. See ya" and with that, Colin hung up the phone. Logan remained in silence for a minute and then got back to work.

* * *

Rory was exhausted. It was now seven o'clock and she was still swamped with work. Three reporters had called in sick that morning and so the Courant had been a complete chaos that day. In fact, the only break she'd had all day was when Mark had brought her the coffee.

She had spent the entire morning going from one place to another, talking to everyone at the newsroom, proofing the articles that had been handed in, and making sure the articles she had assigned to those who had called in sick would be handed in before the deadline. All in all, by the time eight thirty rolled around, Rory was completely drained and more than ready to go home and crawl into bed. But it seemed her darling husband had different plans.

Rory opened the door to her house and immediately dropped her portfolio by the door. She kicked off her shoes, making a mental note to pick them up in the morning, and was just about to head straight into the bedroom when she heard laughter, that didn't belong to her husband, coming from the sitting area. Once she got there, she realized the laughter belonged to none other than Colin and Finn. Rory bit back a groan. She adored Colin and Finn, but today she was simply too tired to deal with them. She tried to sneak out of the room unnoticed but Colin spotted her before she could leave.

"Hey, Ror!" he greeted her from his spot on the couch in front of the TV. At this, Finn took notice of her as well.

"Hello, love! Always such a pleasure to see you" Finn said charmingly. Rory offered them a tight smile and waved at them.

"Hey guys" she said, a bit shyly. She tried to look as though everything was normal but it didn't seem to work very well.

"I'm getting a sense that the woman of the house had no idea we were going to be here" Colin said to no one in particular.

"Ok that we're here, love?" Finn asked her. At that moment, Logan appeared holding a bottle of Scotch and a few glasses.

"Of course it's okay" Logan said. "I invited you"

"Logan, I haven't called you love since that sultry night in Bimini." Finn replied, attempting to lighten up the very obvious tense mood.

"It's fine that you're here, guys. You're always welcome" she said but it was clear there was something not okay. Finn and Colin remained quietly staring at Rory while Logan busied himself pouring scotch in the glasses. He handed one to Colin and one to Finn and grabbed one for himself, as Rory silently left the room and headed to her own. Colin and Finn turned their heads to look at Logan but it took about a minute for Logan to realize this.

"What?" he asked somewhat defensively. He didn't like the look on his friends' faces one bit.

"Aren't you going to go after her?" Colin asked him, raising his eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" Logan asked confusedly.

"She's obviously upset about something, mate. Aren't you going to go find out what's bothering her?" asked Finn, sounding unusually sober.

Logan remained quiet for a minute, clearly going over the events from before in his mind. He sighed and placed his glass on the small table in front of him and stood up to go after his wife. He entered their room and stopped at the threshold. Rory was lying on her side on the far end of the bed with her back to him. Even from where he was standing he could tell she was exhausted. She still had her work clothes on; she hadn't even bothered to remove the clip holding her hair in a tight bun. He silently walked over to her but once he was by her side, he noticed she had fallen asleep. He figured it'd be better to just let her sleep as much as possible; she seemed like she needed it and, to make matters worse, his father had insisted they go to dinner the following night with him and Shira at their house, so she'd better be rested for tomorrow. He grabbed a blanket and covered her with it and then left to room to go join his friends again.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**Hello everyone! I'm still alive and well, as proven by this miraculous update! I hope you guys like this chapter, it's sort of a combo between the original chapter mixed with a few new things and a bit of what used to be chapter five, so please tell me what you think! Love!**

**Rory**


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